Finding Jesus

I've never liked that term. "Have you found Jesus Christ?" Or "I found Jesus!" To me it makes one feel that for a time Jesus was hiding from you. Or that He left.

It has taken me 40 years to draw myself closer to Christ. My "Annus Horribilis" last year took me on a roller coaster full of emotional drops and hills of momentary outpourings of support. As the ride came to a complete stop, I jumped out in search of a solid path. That path led me to the doors of the church. And for the first time in my life I realized they were solid and not the revolving doors that I had treated them as for so long. My friends like to joke about plaster falling on their heads if they walk in after a long absence. I have yet to hear of this ever happening.

The old familiarity of mass. The comforting prayers. The feeling of a new beginning each week. This became my solid ground. And for the first time I could look upon the crucifix and get an appreciation of what real suffering is. My upheavals seemed small and temporary. And it reminded me of the promise of resurrection. I recalled my Mom in prayer reflecting as she looked upon the cross. I found her path.

I didn't find Jesus. He wasn't gone. He was always right there. The best way I can describe this is that He was always standing nearby me. Watching me. But I was complacent with his presence. Like a familiar piece of furniture. You pass it by constantly, but do you ever appreciate it's beauty and functionality? Suddenly I noticed Jesus smiling at me. Holding open a new door for me. Giving me a pat on the back when my spirits were low. He's done this all my life, but I wasn't paying attention. I guess I would prefer the statement 'Have you realized that Jesus is always present in your life?'.

So as time takes me away from my 'horrible year', I begin to feel that out of the ashes of grief and despair comes a new awakening of a different world. A phoenix rising to a higher plateau. 'Annus Horribilis' has ended. 'Annus Mirabilis', my 'year of wonder' has begun. I didn't have to look far for Jesus, He was always there. I just needed an eye opening experience to see Him.